A dialect yarn from Randle Hurley

Commost on in and have a dish of tea.

'Ere, waddee think I'm lookin' like? Do ee reckon I lost a bit of weight?

Well, I have, so there! Three pound have melted away since the start of the month.

No I aren't on a diet! I been and signed on up to that Sports Centre. I saw Dr Hall and told un I thought I was slidin' down the slippery slope a bit and asked what I should do to get meself a bit fit in me old age. Ee sent me to one of they trainers up the centre who de specialise in 'the older man'. Well, I done a few weeks basic fitness and then she said that I ought to go to 'Body Bounce'. Well, I thought, that might be entertaining. I could just go and watch some of the other bodies bouncing about. But when I got to the first session I found out that I'd heard it all wrong and the proper name was 'Body Balance'.

And anyhow, I'd walked all the way up that git hill to get there so I decided to have a go.

"'Ere, my 'ansome" I said to the li'll maid on the desk, "I aren't goin' to be the only feller in there am I?"

"Course you wain't" she told me with a reassurin' smile. So in I went, in me best shorts and me tee shirt what I got down the charity shop. Well, come startin' time there was thirty women and me in this git room and I was feelin' bream foolish, I can tell ee. I was all for sneakin' out but, just when I got to the door, in come a tiny li'll party, all sporty lookin' and thin as a lathe.

"You must be new" she said. "Any injuries I should know about? No? pick up a mat from the store there and pick a spot somewhere in the middle where I can keep an eye on you. I don't want you skulking about at the back."

I was goin' to tell she that I was in the wrong class but I got the impression that she was the sort of woman what waddn' used to being told 'no' to. I found meself a place and had another geek round. That maid on the desk was a liard and I was goin' to tell she so but then, just before the class started, in come another feller. I waddn' even goin' to get the satisfaction of a good old moan on me way out!

There I stood, like 'Ruth amongst the alien corn'. Everybody else was about twenty, skinny as rakes and lookin' handsome in they lurex clothes what young maidens de put up to theirselves these days, all powdered and poised and knawin' what they was up to. And there was me in me khaki shorts and me vest, feelin' like a foolish old man. Then I got told that 'body balance was a bare foot class' and I had to think 'have I washed me feet this week?' but, as luck would have it I had. The clean socks was a waste though cos I had to take they off as well.

What did I have to do? My gar, I'll tell ee what I had to do. I never knawed that people could twist theirselves into so many different positions. We done Tai-Chi, Yoga and Pilates, all mixed up together. I always thought that they was all gentle but I was some wrong. After a minute or two I was breathin' like a grumpus, sweatin' leakin' and feelin' as red as a beetroot. I snuck a look at the maidens beside me and they was all serene and controlled. Not one of 'em was out of breath and they all looked as cool and as powdered as they did when they come in. Now I been active all me life and I b'lieved I was quite fit, for me age that is, but they women put me to shame they did.

What, the other feller? Ee was behind me and I couldn't see what ee was up to a'tall. Anyhow, if you was stuck in a room full of young women, all on yer own, don't ee tell me that you'd spend yer time botherin' to look at fellers! But, after ten minutes or so, I was more interested in keepin' breathin' and not fallin' over than I was in lookin' at the maids.

Then I noticed the mirrors! I must have been too worried about me bein' the only feller (well almost) to have seen that one wall of the room was lined with mirrors. I couldn' find meself at first and then I got a shock. Everyone else in the room was some small and there, in the mirror, was a git hulkin', galumphing shambles, lookin' like Gulliver in Lilliput an' doin' somethin' different from everybody else. Ee was dressed in khaki shorts, bright red in the face and lathered up like a racehorse. Then I realised that it was me!

Why was I doin' different things from everybody else? Cos I waddn' no bleady good at it, that's why! All they women was standin' up straight and I was all bent over and saggin'. When they was on tippy toes I was flat footed. When they had bent knees, mine were straight as a die. They had their hands flat on the floor and I could hardly touch me toes. I seem to have forgot which was left and which waddn'. Then, when me knees was all shaky and I was feelin' headlight from all the effort, we had to stand on one leg and wave our arms and legs about. They all stood there, elegant as storks, and I fell over. My gar! you got to concentrate some hard to keep doin' everythin' right. But then, I don't s'pose you'd have been much better than me, my 'ansome, if you was to have a go. I b'lieve we been and left ourselves go a bit in our old age.

The next day? Well, I went to bed as soon as I got home from the centre. Few hours later I woke up, had a bit of tea and went back to bed again. Slept through to seben o'clock in the mornin' I did. Best night's sleep I had in years. I thought I'd get up and have a dish of tea and got about a half a inch off the mattress before the pain set in. Took me about half a hour to straighten up and when I started to walk downstairs, well, I tell ee, agony waddn' in it! The day after was a lot better. It only hurt a lot then. I was startin' to move a bit more easy by day three and then I thought to meself, 'Oh my gar! I got to go again tomorrow.'

Ess you. I went the next day. I'd paid me money after all and tell ee what, I'm some glad I did go. By the end of the hour I was wore out again but I was a lot less sore so that was proper job. Now, did I tell ee about the end bit?

No, I didn' think I did. Ten minutes before the end you de go into a bit of a relax. Handsome that bit is. I didn't need much encouragement to lie down and have a bit of a rest. They de turn the lights down and you de feel some comfortable. I was just imaginin' strollin' along, down the Promenade like we used to do of a Sunday night, years ago, when I heard all they maidens gigglin' away and I realised that I'd dropped off to sleep and must have been snorin' away, fit to bust. I felt some foolish, I can tell ee. I sat up and then I had the shock of me life. I thought I'd peed meself. The mat was soakin wet and I thought I must have lost control while I was asleep but then I realised it was just because I'd been sweatin' all over the mat. They young maids trooped out, smilin' and nudgin' each other and they was all looking cool as cucumbers and fresh as daisies. Me, I had to go home and have another bath!

Goin' again? I been already! And last time I b'lieve I was a bit better at they exercises and I didn' feel so bad when the hour was up. I b'lieve I shall go regular now, now that I put the effort in cos ee do seem to work and Josie down the road said as how I was lookin' some lot better these days. 'Ere, you fancy comin' with me do ee?

Ah well! I didn' think so but, so long as you de drop round for a chat every week, tha's the main thing.

Ello My 'Ansome.

I'm up 'ere, in bed, tha's where I am. Commost on up over stairs and see me. I'm in the front bedroom.

Ah! there you are. I'm some sorry my 'ansome, if you want a dish of tay then you shall have to shift for yerself this week. I'm very bad, I am. Whisht as a winnard and feelin' mortal!

No, bless yer heart, I don't want nothin' more than a dish of tay, if you de feel like makin' one for yerself that is. That nice Josie Barnes from two doors down, she been lookin' after me and seein' to me meals, what little I can clunk down that is. She de say as how I got to keep me strength up. She's as good as gold she is, that Josie, and don't give me too much at a time. Mrs Hoskens come in Monday and did me a git greasy fry up what wouldn't all fit on the plate. All that did was to make me heave. Lucky I de still keep the po under the bed; you never knaw when you might be took short do ee? and I don't b'lieve all that fulishness about the steam risin' an' rustin' the bed springs. Anyhow, you might think she'd be sympathetic about makin' me very bad but she got some teasy. She said as how I was a ungrateful old man and I could shift for meself in future, for all she cared. And when she'd gone I had to empty the beastly ol' po full of sick as well and that nearly made me heave again!

Now then, what have been happenin', down the town? I been stuck here, all by meself without a inklin' 'bout wha's goin' on at all. All Josie de talk about is what her little maid is doin' up school and tha's all very well but ee idn' much use to the likes of we now, is uh? Mind you, Josie's little Ruby is in Miss Blewitt's class, you remember, they ones what we gived that talk to last year when we went up to the school to tell they all about our memories of the olden days. 'Olden days'! Bleady cheek! Anybody'd b'leive we was ancient if they was to listen to they kids. Anyhow, Ruby de say as how Miss Blewitt would dearly love for us to go again and talk to the little dears for a mornin'.

You wouldn't go again if they was to pay ee? I don't b'lieve it was so bad as all that. Mind you, now you come to mention it, that little ginger one was a little heller, wadden uh? And in my delicate state of health I b'lieve it will be a brear old time 'fore I shall feel strong enough to take on he again, I can tell ee! 'Ere, you never said wha's on down town.

Ess you can get a word in edgewise! I aren't feelin' strong enough to talk 'ninteen to the dozen' as you de so rudely put it. I haven't hardly uttered a syllable since you been 'ere. The doctor said as how I was to rest as much as possible if I was to get me strength back. I had pneumonia, you knaw! Tha's serious that is and I could have died of that and all you can do is tell me as how I de talk too much.

Ess, pneumonia! There now, ee wadn' just a li'll cold like you said ee was. I told you I was very bad.

How do ee think I caught it, drinkin' out of a damp cup or sleepin' with me mouth scat abroad?! I'll tell ee how I nearly caught me death. It was when I was out with you in all that rain over to Mousehole last month, when that bus wouldn' stop for we cos we was a couple of yards away from the bus stop, and then you was too mean to pay for a taxi.

Oh ess! Ee was only a bit of a cold then. Ee was later on that I got that brownchitis. I'm a maryter to brownchitis I am. If it de settle on me chest then tha's me finished for a month or so. And the doctor wain't give ee no pills. 'Oh! no', ee de say. 'It's only a viral infection and the pills won't help at all. Keep warm and drink plenty of fluids' ee de say every time. Now how'm I goin' to do that? If I go down the pub to drink plenty of fluids this weather then I shall catch me death all over again. Well, you just cain't drink so much tea as you can beer, can ee? Stands to reason! Anyway, week later, when me nose is blocked solid and me chest is rumblin' like 'thunder in the distance' I goes back and he say as how I got a infection and I shall have to take antibiotics and mind I de take the whole course of pills now!

How ee got the nerve to say that when ee wouldn't give me no pills at all the week before I don't knaw. Anyhow, this time, by the time I got to see him again it had gone past brownchitis and I had pneumonia. I might have had to go into hospital but luckily I only had un on one side. Double pneumonia is when you de get un both sides. Knaw that did ee?

Don't ee be so rude as you are. It's a brear old struggle findin' the breath to tell ee all this, me bein' very bad like I am. I'm only doin it cos you still haven't told me wha's goin' on down the town and I b'lieve I've asked ee half a dozen times and I'm still no wiser.

Up here, Josie my love. Ee's all right, it's only my ol' mate from downlong who de come and see me every week. Id'n nothin' to worry about my 'ansome but thank you very much for botherin' to check.

Ess, that'd be rich! I de dearly like a drop of stew and yours is the best in Penzance. I de only hope me sense of taste have come back so as how I can feel the full benefit of un my lover. You're some good girl you are. No, my bird, don't you bother yerself. My mate 'ere can make a dish of tea for the pair of us. It's the least ee can do since ee don't seem have brought no news a'tall widdun to cheer me up.

Oh ess! Bring round the Cornishman when you de come with the stew and I can read all the news in that.

Ess, my robin. I took all me pills and no, I don't need nothin' down the shops at all. Thank you for askin' my lover. Bye now.

She's some dear little woman she is, good as gold! Nothin's too much trouble and she's some cheerful all the time and she got some dear little face and eyes on her, and that little Ruby's just the same and some smart for a chield, only seben year old.

Her old feller! No, he's a good enough sort of chap he is and he de knaw well enough that Josie de worship the ground he de stank on. I shan't have no trouble with he and anyhow, I'm old enough to be her grandfer. Tell ee what, when I de get a bit better I shall make she and he some of me buns and take 'em round. For all that her stew is almost as good as me mother's used to be, she de give 'em boughten cake for tea. I b'lieve that little Ruby haven't ever had proper cake like me empire cake or me saffron. They de seem to make do with shop muck as far as I can see. Be nice for me to pay Josie back for all her kindness.

Whaddymean! 'Bye now'? You been here all this time and you habn't told me a mossle of news, me what's been stuck up here for a week on me own without a ounce of comp'ny nor a word of comfort from a livin' soul. And you habn't even 'ad the decency to make a poor old invalid a dish of tay to ease he's poor old sore throat what's red raw. Do ee expect me to drag meself down over stairs to that draughty old kitchen to catch me death all over again.

I should think so too, and when you de come back up widdun, praps you'd be kind enough to bring a biscuit or two, and then leave me knaw wha's been happenin'. You knaw I don't like to make a nuisance of meself and keep on askin'.

The Cornish Pirates have celebrated the start of the rubgy season by launching a bilingual junior supporters club – Bagas Benbow (Benbow’s gang), led by new Captain Adryan Winnan.

Adryan, who will lead the Pirates for the first time in National Division One, has been learning Cornish from Pirates’ supporter and former Grand Bard of Cornwall Rod Lyon, thanks to a tie-up between the Pirates and MAGA - the Cornish Language Partnership.

Adryan said: “Whenever I meet people on my travels, I always explain that I am Cornish, and that the Cornish people have their own special identity, including our own language. Invariably, they ask me to say a few words, and I’ve always been ashamed as I didn’t know any. After the lessons arranged by the Cornish Language Partnership, I’m far from fluent but hopefully I will be able to do Cornwall proud.”

All youngsters who join the club will get a welcome pack complete with a Bagas Benbow membership card as well as other goodies. Also, there will be dual language posters in the matchday programme, and a special Cornish codeword for all the young supporters to speak to the players.

Councillor Jeremy Rowe, who takes over from Eric Brooke as chair of the Cornish Language Partnership, was pleased to learn that Adryan is learning Cornish.

“I am delighted that the Cornish Language Partnership, will be working alongside the Cornish Pirates, and Adryan in particular, continuing the association that began last year. It is fantastic that the young people now have a Cornish language role model, and that more people will be encouraged to speak Cornish. I’m sure the Cornish Language Partnership would like to wish the Cornish Pirates and Adryan ‘Chons da!’ (good luck in Cornish) for the coming season.”

To join Bagas Benbow, please email rudi.grenfell@cornish-pirates.com and you will automatically become a member.